I am.
I am more than I was then.
I will be more then than I am now.
Zebo the Clown. I stumbled into clowning as a member of the 4-H'ers 4-Ever; for some bizarre reason, the leadership in my club decided all members should participate. I'm not sure what I thought of it at first because being a clown is something buried so far in my memory that I had nearly forgotten it--until my mom sent me the clown journal I kept in 1991-92. Here is an excerpt:
"Would you like a balloon animal little girl? How about a squirrel?" Being a clown, Zebo likes to make balloon animals and [to] entertain young children. Sometimes Zebo is happy, sometimes he is sad. Let's see what Zebo is up to today.
As a clown, I was very social and enjoyed performing in groups and telling jokes to make people laugh. I imagine I dreamed of becoming a famous clown one day, and of learning to juggle. I feared the "dead crowd," filled with people who wouldn't laugh or who would mock my buffoonery. Clowning taught me not to take myself too seriously, even though it took me years and years to remember that lesson.
The NPR Addict. Morning Edition. All Things Considered. Talk of the Nation. Fresh Air. I could listed to National Public Radio all day long. It's funny how one's tastes change; only three years ago, I would have changed the channel instantly. Now I can't get enough. I guess it all started last year when I started teaching Creative Writing; I listened to a couple archived recordings about nonfiction books to use as writing prompts for the creative nonfiction unit. Then, I started listening to current broadcasts, hoping to find similar inspiration. It turned out I got hooked. I always listen in hopes of hearing something interesting or important. It keeps me connected to the world. Sometimes I dream about being on the air--I've been told I have a "radio voice." So someday, if I ever have the courage to explore other career opportunities, I might just look into broadcast journalism. After all, I'm a bit of a news junkie.
The Gamer. I've been playing since I was six years old, back when high-tech was eight-bit. I got the Nintendo Entertainment System was all the rage, age eight. It was Christmas Eve, 1989, a few days before my sister Laura's wedding. This was the only year we got huge gifts. Laura got a microwave, Jade got an exercise bike, and Damian and I each got an NES. (I always felt like I got the good end of the deal.) It came with Super Mario Brothers and Duck Hunt. My collection of games expanded exponentially, and I became more and more obsessed with the game. I remember receiving Dragon Warrior as a reward for subscribing to Nintendo Power magazine, and not long after I picked up Final Fantasy. These games became long-time favorites, establishing my fascination with "any games with swords and dragons." Gaming is a fine form of escapism; it does for me what reading once did. It allows me to step outside of my own existence and to take on the role of a character whose life is vastly more interesting (and dangerous) than my own. As a gamer, I dream of racking up achievements to get the highest gamer score among my friends, and, as in real life, I dread when the screen goes black and reads "Game Over."
Kel Alexis. Since I was young, I dreamed about being a published author. I was a reader at an early age, and writing naturally followed. I wrote books called The Birnstihl Bunnies, largely modeled after The Berenstain Bears. An enterprising lad, I sold copies of my books to my mother for twenty-five cents. It was a rather profitable endeavor. But I wanted a wider audience. Someday, I told myself, people around the world would know my name; they would want to read my words, the way I read Shanarra and Ravenloft. I tried writing an epic fantasy novel under the pen name Kel Alexis, but after eight chapters or so, I guess I lost interest. I made an attempt at a novel again a few years ago, during National Novel Writing Month. Along with four friends, I embarked on a quest to write a 50,000 word novel in thirty days. I hated what I wrote and gave up after 7,000 words. But I will try again this year. You will be able to read my zombie novel once it's published--but I'm not sure yet whether I'll use a pseudonym. I'm not afraid; I know with shrewd planning, I will succeed this time.
The Slob. I'm neither neat nor organized by nature. Indeed, I'm rather messy. I like organized chaos. When things are too neat, it makes me nervous. I like mess, so long as it's my mess. I wish people would leave me alone about it. I have my own system for things; most of the time, I know exactly where everything is. I'll clean up when I have time. That'll be sometime after I get done gaming.
The Puzzle Solver. I have a fascination with cryptograms, codes, and conundrums. I love utilizing logic to untangle problems. I've worked all kinds of puzzles since I was young. I got it from my mom--she would do crosswords, jumbles, even logic puzzles. It was kind of a family thing. I take pride in solving the harder puzzles, and I dream of being the best at it. I dread the frustration of realizing I've made a mistake, especially if I've already invested a lot of time in a particular puzzle. I'd love one day to be a freelance puzzle writer for Dell or Penny Press--or maybe even for the SAT!
The Younger Brother. I always felt like I was in the shadow of my older brother, Damian. And in some ways I was. "Oh, you're a Birnstihl? Are you Damian's little brother?" My brother was athletic, musical, and intellectual. Being the youngest had other drawbacks, too. Most of my toys and clothes were hand-me-downs, at least until I got older and began demanding my own things. I resented my brother for a long time, and even my parents. I felt like he was the favorite and I was just... well, I felt like I wasn't loved as much. And even though it probably wasn't true, that was my fear, and that was my perception. I dreamed of being the favorite, of being the Birnstihl child everyone remembered. Oddly enough, I never felt this way toward my sisters. Maybe it was because we were both male, or maybe it was because he was the oldest, but I always grappled with self-doubt when it came to my brother. It's better now that I'm an adult--I've let go of a lot of my insecurities, but from time to time, they come creeping in again.
I will continue to grow and change.
I will be. I will matter.
I am.
No comments:
Post a Comment