My Many Identities 2014.
I am.
I am who I am.
But that’s not all that I am.
The Runner
I hate running. It’s one of those things I have to force myself to do, like washing dishes or paying taxes. A lot of times I’ll make excuses to avoid it. It’s too hot. It’s too cold. I’m too tired. I don’t have time. The world is about to end. Who do I have to impress anyway? Despite all this, I guess I am a runner.
I started running with a Couch-to-5K program through Caromont Health. Caromont had sponsored a wellness program the previous year at Ashbrook, and because I appreciated what that program did for me, I joined the Couch-to-5K with my friend Paige and some other staff. I was a bit reluctant because at first, I wasn’t sure whether I could complete a 5K--that’s three miles; the most I had ever run before was a single mile in high school gym class. I had run a lot on the elliptical, but running on the road was very different. The paved surface hurt my feet and my knees. I hated it, but I followed through; if I set a goal, I will always try to follow through.
The running got easier over time, and now three miles seems like nothing. It’s funny to think back to my days in high school when I dreaded that mile run. As a runner, I have to care for my body and make thoughtful choices about what fuel I put into it. I worry about getting an injury. And on Saturday mornings, I secretly wish for rain so that I have an excuse to sleep in and avoid a six mile run through Belmont. Because even though I love the way it makes me feel, I hate running.
The Novelist
I have always been a writer, and I have always dreamed of writing a novel. I have started many throughout my life. In junior high, it was a fantasy novel called Bleeding Stones. In 2011, it was chick lit based on a story I had written in college. But I finally actually accomplished the lofty novel-writing goal in November of 2013.
My passion for writing springs from the joy that I have always found in reading. My mother read to me frequently when I was an infant, and I immersed myself in the world of books when I was capable of reading on my own. My desire to create literature was just as great as my lust for consuming it. I went through a variety of career goals as a child, but novelist was always there near the top of the list. It just didn’t seem like a realistic career option.
Now that I’ve written a novel, I need to start revising and editing it. It is a process that I am dreading; I put so much energy into writing it that I am terrified to go back and realize that maybe it isn’t as good as I had hoped. And even more, I’m positively frightened to submit for publication. I know there are many venues by which a novel can be published nowadays, but the idea of people judging my work is overwhelming.
I would love to be a famous author and to see my name on bookshelves everywhere--to walk into Books-A-Million for coffee only to see Year of the Zombie on the #1 best-seller spot. I know that probably won’t ever happen, but a novelist does need a vivid imagination.
I will always be a writer, and I fully plan to revisit my past efforts at novels. Moving forward, I also have some ideas in mind for future novels. I have my November 2014 idea planned out in the most rudimentary form: think dystopian society, education reform, and summary executions. Watch for my name on the bestseller lists!
The Fish
The fish
Is adaptable and
Imaginative
But also
Oversensitive and
Escapist.
It hides beneath
Reflecting scales
And flowing water.
The fish breathes
Where there is no air,
Survives,
Avoids nets and
Hooks and sharks.
It is brave
In its silent
Aquatic dance.
Swimming upstream is tiring work
And being a dragon is overrated anyway.
Too Honest/Bite My Tongue
I walk a fine line between saying too much too honestly and saying nothing at all. I tend to be a very straightforward, blunt person who can hurt others’ feelings. But there are times when I hold back, when I pride myself in not saying anything to brag or boast about some way I have helped someone or something kind or good I have done. And there are times when I don’t tell someone what I really think. I feel like I will explode when I hold those thoughts in, and sometimes I do. When I lose it, the truth will come out like a flash flood and everyone around me will be washed away. I can’t hold it in because I’m so over sacrificing my sense of integrity for other people’s feelings. I get so tired of people and things sometimes. And when someone lies to me or hurts me, I’ll call them on it. But my passive-aggressive side allows me to bite my tongue against minor infractions.
The Attendee
I love participating. I’m anything but a wallflower. I’d much rather play a game or do an activity than watch a show or sit and think. I’m orange, the color of fire and activity. The only time I love to watch more than to participate is when I attend live events. There is no greater rush for me than seeing a great concert or an amazing play. And I see them every chance I can get.
A lot of people think it’s weird that I prefer going to concerts alone. When I go by myself, I can focus my attention on the artist and the music. I don’t have to worry if my friend is having a good time, or if I’m dancing like a moron, or whatever. It’s just me and the music. It’s like a private concert just for me. And I have seen some amazing concerts this way. Don’t get me wrong, I like going with friends if I know they like the artist and will have fun. But I won’t go with someone who will just sit there and look bored the whole time.
I have one ticket to see Vertical Horizon and a few other bands from the 90s for this March, and then one ticket to see Fall Out Boy (for the third time!) this summer. I can’t wait to enjoy the show and to add to my collection of concert t-shirts!
The Techie
I am a tech addict, and I’m actually pretty intuitive with most forms of technology. It all started with my Nintendo Entertainment System. I got it at the age of 8, and ever since, I’ve been hooked on video games. I’ve used computers almost my entire life; I can’t imagine being one of those people who can’t use a mouse or who needs to call tech service because my computer is unplugged. I remember using computers in school to play Number Munchers and Oregon Trail. So it should come as no surprise to anyone that I love technology. Anyone who knows me knows I’m addicted to my iPhone 5, and I love my hybrid car, and I still play xBox 360.
I became an even more devoted techie when I became a Pinnacle Leader for Gaston County. I learned how to better incorporate technology into education so I could be a better teacher for 21st century students. Even though I had taken an IT class in college, I didn’t see how important it could be in an educational setting. Teaching nowadays requires internet research and blogging and social networking. I can’t imagine my job now without it!
I think it will be funny to read this entry in the future, to see how much technology has changed. It as an integral part of our society and our lives. I do sometimes think we rely too heavily on it, and I advocate for a balance between tradition and progress.
The Time Loser
They say, “Time flies when you’re having fun.” I guess I must always be having fun because time seems to slip from my days like sand from an hourglass. I guess I can get so engrossed in whatever I am doing that minutes, hours, days, even whole years just seem to fade into the past.
I’ve heard that as one gets older, his sense of time changes. Longer periods of time seem to go by more expeditiously. But sometimes, it all seems too fast. There is so much life to live and so little time. I worry about getting everything done and still finding time for myself.
Despite all this, I have a strangely keen sense of time. I can estimate, with ninety-five percent accuracy, the current time within five minutes. As of right now, I believe it is approximately 12:52 a.m. on Thursday, February 6, 2014. (I checked immediately after; it is 12:50 and 53 seconds. I was off by only one minute and seven seconds.)
I don’t understand how I can identify the current time so easily, but still not manage my time to feel like I have used it well. There is nothing more valuable than time, but it is impossible to retain. I will do my best to make all my tomorrows count.
The Overachiever/Underachiever
I always had big dreams for myself. I would be rich, I would be famous, I would make a difference in the world. I would be an author, or an astronaut, or a priest. I would be President someday, or a rockstar.
Then reality hit.
There’s a song in Avenue Q--a lot of them, actually--about Princeton’s search for his purpose in life. It starts in the song “Purpose” as Princeton sings:
Purpose / It’s that little flame / That lights a fire / Under your @$$ / Purpose / It keeps you going strong / Like a car with a full / Tank of gas / Everyone else has / A purpose / So what’s mine?
He continues to seek out his purpose throughout the play, and eventually has the following conversation (in song) with some of the other cast members:
Princeton: Why does everything have to be so hard?
Gary Coleman: Maybe you'll never find your purpose.
Christmas Eve: Lots of people don't.
Princeton: But then- I don't know why I'm even alive!
Kate Monster: Well, who does, really? Everyone's a little bit unsatisfied.
Brian: Everyone goes 'round a little empty inside.
I’m not sure whether I’ve found my purpose, or whether I ever will. What I do know is that I am smart and focused; therefore, I am capable of great things. I could excel in almost any field, and yet I allow myself to stagnate. I guess I’m happy being an underachiever. For most of my life, I strived to be an overachiever. And while it brought me personal satisfaction to work to my fullest potential, I have come to realize that people do not recognize or appreciate total dedication in the way I feel it should be recognized. I am no willing to sacrifice my personal time or happiness to overachieve in my career.
“I’m an underachiever / Who ended up with everything / Call ‘em as I see ‘em / Yes it means I’m better than you / Yes it means I’m better than / Don’t you know who I think I am?”
~ “Underachiever” ~ Eve 6
I’m Over It
1. Everything is stupid.
2. Deadlines are arbitrary.
3. What are they going to do, fire me?
4. Fake it til you make it.
5. Oh, *#$^ no.
6. #*$! this @#!%.
7. No. Just no.
8. *#$^ no.
9. Everything is stupid.
10. I’m just so over it.
Kind of Lonely
Most of the time, I feel like I am a happy and complete person. But sometimes when I look around me and see all the happy couples pairing off and making families, I feel kind of lonely. Don’t get me wrong; I don’t want to get married and I don’t want kids. I just don’t trust people or myself anymore. If you put a hole in a wall, you can fill it with plaster and it’s almost as good as new. But after too many holes, the plaster can’t hold the wall together and it crumbles and it’s easier just to tear it down and build a new one. I wish it were so easy to build a new heart. Mine has been replaced with a wall: high, solid, indestructible. From inside the bastion I have built for myself, I have finally come to realize I am trapped. And I am more than kind of lonely.
I am.
