Secret Poem

I have a fascination with venom.

I have fangs that retract when I smile.

You have neurotoxins that paralyze me,

Ensnaring me in your natural allure.

You appear harmless. I’ve always

Loved spiders. You wrap me tight

In webs of false promise. Being with you

Is suffocating, like

Dying inside a red hourglass.

But I can be deceptive, too,

Offering sin-laced apples that

Cannot be kissed away.

I shed my skin

To wipe away memories

Of poisons from the past.

And I’m not sure who

Is the real danger--

You, or me.

Encyclopedia of an Ordinary Life: Volume E

E

e: In the modern age, the letter e indicates progress. Email, ecommerce, ebay, eharmony. Everything we do nowadays is part of the eWorld. I have mixed feelings about this; online is convenient, but I believe the Internet has negatively our society in a way that is irreparable.

Earth: This planet we live on is my personal favorite in the solar system. When I was younger, I wanted to be an astronaut. I wanted to explore space. I wanted to walk on the moon. I wanted to see other planets, maybe even meet alien life forms. But now, I understand there is nowhere else so hospitable as this Earth. And that makes me more than a little sad.

Editor, Inner: I finally figured out how to lock away my inner editor. This is the only way to survive November.

Education: Education is important to me. I feel like I could write an entire manifesto on the topic, going from how I loved learning in school to the challenges I faced in school as a teen to the outstanding mentors I had in my teachers to my stumbling into the major for lack of the ability to make a real decision to my career in education with its ups and downs. Suffice it to say that education, despite any problems with the system, is my life, and I feel like it is mostly a good life.

Egg: Few things in life are so satisfying as a fried egg on a bacon cheeseburger.

Emotional Eating: When I have feelings, I want to eat everything in sight. Luckily, I don’t have emotions. See also: Emotions, Ex

Emotions: "I don't have emotions. I'm a robot."

I'm not actually a robot. However, I have carefully rewired my circuits to diminish the impact my emotions have on my life. I feel everything very strongly (I am, after all, a Pisces). Emotions are dangerous, particularly the softer ones, like love. And so I've blocked off my emotions to avoid pain. 

Maybe I'm missing out on the good emotions, but I've learned I'd rather feel nothing than feel anything.

If I ever appear to have emotions, I am merely playacting to fit into societal norms. I don't have feelings. I'm a robot.

Encyclopedias: When I was a kid, my family had a full set of encyclopedias that were housed in the guest room. I thought this meant that we were rich (we weren’t). I loved reading them, looking up topics that interested me--dinosaurs, of course. Artists. States. Animals. I was especially fascinated by the flags of the worlds. As a child, I was curious about everything. I wanted to learn as much as I could about the world. When I got older, the words I looked up became more complex--words like depression. Instead of trying to understand the world, I was trying to understand myself.

Of course, now, print encyclopedias are antiquated. The information in them is never current enough. Most young people now can’t imagine life without Wikipedia. But I remember. I remember when I thought I could change who I was if I understood it. But I can’t change, not at the core. I’m glad I learned that lesson, I suppose. Who I am isn’t so bad. Most of the time.

Energy Drinks:

<------prefer to drink-------------------------meh----------------would rather drink urine------>

Euphoria:

When my friends told me about crowdfunding site Kickstarter, little did I realize what an obsession it would become. The first project I backed was Euphoria: Build a Better Dystopia, a board game by Jamey Stegmaier. It looked incredible, and it did not disappoint when it finally arrived. The components were beautiful--a solid board, gorgeous wooden tokens, realistic resources. It was everything an avid board gamer could want, but now it rarely hits the table. And that is the case with most of the projects that I backed; many of them were low quality, and many have not been played at all. After squandering hundreds of dollars, I have finally learned my lesson: It is good to support others’ creative endeavors, but one should not expect a perfect product from everyone who seeks to create something. Still, I can’t help but look at what new ideas people have!

European American: I am a European American. My ancestors come from a number of nations, including Finland, Italy, and, well... some other places. I’m not really sure.

I’m also not sure what being European American, or white, says about me. I understand from college classes that just by being white and male I have certain privileges. I also understand that my ancestors most likely chose to come to this country, and did so under conditions that they chose or at least accepted.

Sometimes I think about the history of the United States and think that we are a nation founded on lies and injustice. But I can’t change the past, and I don’t know how to fix the problems of the present. And racial tension, racism, and racially motivated violence are very real problems in our country.

I may not have any solutions, and it may be a hard conversation, but I think it is one that we must have if we are to progress. We must come together with listening ears and open hearts.

Would I feel the same if I were not European American? I honestly can’t say.

Eve 6: I bought Eve 6’s self-titled album at Best Buy on a whim. It was my senior year of high school. I had seen the music video for “Inside Out” exactly one time, and it was late at night, when I couldn’t really have the volume on. So mostly I had watched the video. I thought they looked cool, and so I bought the album. I was not disappointed. Eve 6 became one of my favorite bands. It was 14 years before I had the opportunity to see them in concert, when they played 106.5’s Weenie Roast. They were the first band to play, and I almost missed them. Luckily, I got there just in time for their set, and it was amazing. I was right in the front, singing and dancing along the whole time. After their set, I got to get my shirt signed by them (silver Sharpie, which didn’t last through one wash... unfortunate, but, life). I met people whom I had idolized since I was eighteen. And while they were just humans, I felt an energy that I’ve never forgotten--one that told me I was still alive. See Also: Everclear

Everclear: Much like Eve 6, Everclear became one of my favorite bands during high school. I even dedicated my first Geocities website to them. Songs like “Everything to Everyone” and “Normal Like You” made me feel like maybe there were other people out there like me. However, unlike Eve 6, Everclear’s appeal diminished over time. I saw them twice in concert when I was in college, and they were amazing. But when I saw them at the Summerland tour in 2013, they were outshone by Lit and the Gin Blossoms. Art Alexakis’s voice was not what it used to be, and I realized that even our idols age. I will always hold a fondness for Everclear. But I will not buy tickets to see another one of their concerts.

“Everything to Everyone”

You put yourself in stupid places

Yes, I think you know it’s true

Situations where it’s easy to look down on you

I think you like to be the victim

I think you like to be in pain

I think you make yourself a victim

Almost every single day

When I was 17, I thought this song was written for me. This is who I was. And, maybe, this is who I still am and will always be, at least in part. See Also: Everclear

Ex: “And only time will tell / If violins will swell / In memory of what we used to call ‘in love’” - Motion City Soundtrack

I’ve never understood those people who try to be friends with their exes. My robot brain cannot compute the logic. This person is your ex for a reason. Run away. Do not engage. Do not acknowledge that your ex exists.

I’m an outstanding ex. It is rare that I will contact someone whom I dated. In fact, I’m much better as an ex than I am as a boyfriend. Usually I go through a period of self-rediscovery after a breakup. It’s like when I’m dating, I stop being myself because I’m so worried about making my partner happy. And when I’m single, I remember who I am and what matters to me.

I also remember that I am unlovable.

The last time, it finally sank in. I stopped trying to find love. And although once in a rare while I consider dating, I know that ultimately it will end the same.

Single for life. Lonely, but safe. I have no emotions.

I am a robot. A single robot. Forever. See Also: Emotions

Exits: I prefer to think of doors as exits rather than entrances. What does this say about me?

Eyes: Eyes are very important to me. People always compliment me on my beautiful blue eyes, but their beauty is not what I appreciate about them. No, it is that they give me the ability to perceive beauty, to see the world. I can’t imagine being blind. In my mind, being blind would be all but unbearable.

I have spent most of my life being legally blind. I had glasses from the age of five. I was severely nearsighted, and my eyesight was further hindered by an astigmatism. I couldn’t read an alarm clock from five feet away without my glasses. Swimming was terrifying. I always felt disoriented.

I got contact lenses in eighth grade, which significantly improved my life. They were, however, often dry and itchy, and I still wore my glasses more often than not.

It wasn’t until adulthood, when I finally was able to get ICL surgery and Lasik, that I could truly see the world. And I am so grateful for my vision. Getting the surgery was the best decision I could have made. The procedures were expensive, but they were worth it. They allowed me to experience life in a way that I couldn’t before--with eyes wide open.

Between the Lines

A Map to Myself

INSPIRED BY JOY HARJO’s “A Map to the Next World”

If only I had a map, maybe I could finally figure out

where I belong.

My one desire is to emerge from the insanity

of these rooms, these prisons.

For my soul is a hermit, who fears to leave

the sanctity of silence.

My map would be carved on the surface of my skin,

A tattoo leading me to the next town, to the next world. Anywhere but here.

The roads are marked out in maroon heartache and

cerulean melancholy.

I’ll wander and avoid the busy places, the

altars of money, the detours of self-pity.

I’ve lost my way, over and over again,

Lost my faith and my humanity and my compass.

Lost myself, over and over again.

Flowers of depression spring up under skies of solitude. Monsters

Feed on their salty petals.

Wind-whispers brush against my skin and mountains

Of flesh rise up, marring the map.

I’ve lost my name, my way, again. The birds

Laugh with mocking tones.

The promise has been broken

And now I am

Nothing.

What I am telling you is true

Except when it is false. My ambiguity guides me and I leave behind

A trail of fallen feathers, wax, and broken dreams.

My imperfect map will have to do.

My father has already crossed the infinite ocean and my mother, she has

a map of her own.

There is no turning back.

If only I could read, I could find the memories

That I forgot so long ago.

Someday, I will travel to the end of all things,

And I will tell you about it. I will tell you

All of the things.

I have not yet journeyed out myself; the end is

just where I have always been looking

And when I take my last breath before I leave

I will finally realize, there is no X, no magic end, no buried treasure. The only goal

Is to hear my mother’s voice, to feel the rough touch

of the memory of my father.

Fresh sadness breaks with morning dew,

History draws fresh blood from flesh maps, maps

that brown in the sun like clay.

The monsters of the past will always find me; they will

Follow the echoes of my footsteps forever.

I climb through caves of uncertainty,

No patronus to guide and to guard me. I rely only on my own ability to

Destroy myself.

I crawl into a hole of shame. I promised to protect you

but I can’t keep my own promises.

I will never be perfect.

I am a falling star, fading

with memories and mistakes.

I will save myself at the last moment, make myself

Whole again. I will understand that everything is both beginning and end.

I will tear away the bruised skin. I don’t need a map

To find myself.

Sestina for Hearts and Birds

The corner of my heart

Is a graveyard where words

Are buried in tombs of silence.

They are vestiges of memories, never

Clear enough to break

To the surface. But my heart’s memory is clear enough.

I’m happy, now. Happy enough,

Anyway. But my heart

Is warped into angles that break

The wings of birds that--like words--

Slowly die in cages. I’ve never

Minded their moribund silence.

A moment of silence

Is an eloquent eulogy. It is enough

To make me believe I never

Kept an aviary in my heart,

That it was a place where words

Sang every morning before daybreak.

What caused me to break?

Silence

Is the only answer I find. Words

are inadequate, not enough
To explain to my heart

when it will find love: never.

Never

Is a long time. I’d break

Down crying if I thought I’d have the heart

To pick myself up after the tears dried up into silence.

But I know I’m not strong enough,

And words are only words.

My words

Will never

Be enough

To break

The silence

In my heart.

The birds never bury themselves deep enough;

Soft plumes break the surface of the earth-heart,

Tiny cairns without words, sepulchers of silence.

Encyclopedia of an Ordinary Life (more)

D

Dark:

Denial:

Depression:

Details, The Devil is in the: If the Devil is in the details, where is God?

Dexter:

Dictionary:

Diet: I am always on a diet. More accurately, I’m usually trying to lose weight. It’s been a while since I’ve done an official diet. In fact, I’ve been eating kind of whatever I want lately. (Oops.) Sometimes I feel like I’ve earned it because I’ve run or lifted weights or survived another day, but I always feel a wave of regret when I step on the scale. My weight fluctuates by about 50 pounds, ranging from 130 at my lowest to 180 at my heaviest. Right now I’m in the middle but would like to--as always--lose 10 more pounds. I tell myself it’s just so I can fit in my clothes. I know this is part true, but I also know I want to look and feel skinny. Some memories can never be denied.

Digging: There is something that is immensely satisfying to me about digging. I like the feeling of a shovel in my hand, forming calluses as I heave scoops of dirt from the earth into a heap. I think the satisfaction comes from seeing the progress that I make: the hole gets bigger, and so does the pile of dirt. It gives me a feeling of pride that I can’t find in any other way.

Dinosaurs: In third grade, I was obsessed with dinosaurs. I think this is a common phenomenon among elementary school boys. I had dinosaur toys, models, and books. I knew all the facts about each dinosaur: what it was called, what it ate, what it looked like, where it lived, how it protected itself. The obsession with the historical world of dinosaurs was fleeting, later replaced by an obsession with the fantasy world of dragons. See Also: Dragons

Division, Long: Young people nowadays have no concept of math. Even the brightest of students struggle with any numeric operations more complex than single-digit multiplication. Long division? Forget it. I had the good fortune to learn long division before I was allowed to use a calculator in school. I feel lucky; it allowed me a much deeper understanding of math. Students nowadays want to solve things without doing any real work; they allow that magic box to do everything for them, and they don’t understand what happened when they get an error. They aren’t willing or don’t know how to go back and find the mistake. I like long division in the same way that I like any process that takes time and creates something beautiful. But students now be like:

Dragons: I have a longstanding fascination--an obsession, really--with dragons. I have always played role playing games as a warrior or wizard on a journey to slay a dragon and rescue a princess. As I got older, I started reading fantasy novels: Shannara, Magic Kingdom for Sale, Dragonlance, Ravenloft. These books comprised my adolescence, taught me about bravery and heroism the way that Harry Potter shaped later generations. I still joke with my friends that “I can believe in swords and dragons, but not lasers and aliens.” Science fiction has never appealed to me; I’ll stick to my fantasy realms, where I can slay dragons and be the hero; where I can understand who I am and why I exist; where I can just be me.

My Many Identities

• Tragically In Debt

It all started with a credit card. I thought I could handle it; I was wrong. At first I was responsible, paying off my debt every month. But then one of my friends suggested that it was OK to spend more than I had. Isn’t that why I got the credit card in the first place? Talk about a deal with the devil. It’s one of my biggest regrets. I started putting more and more on my cards--TVs, a washing machine, a king size bed, furniture, my back tattoo, car repairs... before I knew it, I was $20,000 in debt. And that wasn’t even counting the medical bills for my eye surgery, my car loans, or my student loans.

When I was younger, they told me money doesn’t buy happiness. This, I have learned, is only half-true. Money doesn’t buy happiness, but not having enough money can cause a lot of stress and unhappiness. That’s the only thing I regret about my career choice--I wish I could be financially stable. I’m working at slowly chipping away at my debt, but it has changed my view of the world and of myself.

I have this huge fear of dying in debt, of owing the world something. It’s why I’m always hustling, working second jobs and doing little things to make a buck. Someday I’ll be debt free, and maybe then I can truly enjoy life again.

• Too Scared to Publish

How can I teach writing if I don’t publish something? I should at least have a poem in a magazine or something. But I never get to the publishing of what I’ve written. There’s always an excuse. I’m too busy with school. I’m working on a new story, so I don’t have time to revise the other one. I’ll get to it next week, after I’ve cleaned the toilet. The excuses just seem to stack up, but I know, deep down, the real reason I haven’t published something: I’m scared.

Fear is natural in humans, and fear of rejection is all too natural for a human like me. I’m afraid if I send something off to be published--something I’ve poured my heart and soul or my blood sweat and tears or even my time into--I’m afraid I will be told it isn’t good enough. And isn’t that my whole life? Wanting to prove myself to be good enough? I’ve always felt like there was something wrong with me, like I didn’t deserve anything, like I’d never do something important even though I knew I was capable.

I’m working on overcoming my fears and excuses. It was my dream as Kel Alexis to be a famous author, and I am telling myself that after I finish NaNo this year I really will commit to revising, editing, and PUBLISHING my new novel, High Stakes.

• Too Many Ideas at Once

My mind is full of ideas and they bounce around like ping pong balls in a wind tunnel ricocheting off walls and fan blades, going pop pop one into the next until my entire field of vision is a white blur and I can’t remember what I was thinking about because a new idea comes into my head and I know whatever was there before was important but now I can only focus on this one thing I’m thinking about now and it’s like the ideas are tiny explosions each louder than the one before and each demanding attention. There was a time I could focus on one thing or even multi-task on many but now it just seems like I can’t ever finish what I start because there are just too many things and it’s easier to bounce from one to the next than to do the thing that really matters, to look deeply at myself and my world and really see any real truth. I guess that’s why i never finish what I

• Overbooked and Confused

When I was in college, I kept an agenda so that I could keep track of all my classes and activities. Somehow, when I graduated, my ability to use a calendar dissipated. I tried keeping a day planner and even a Google Calendar, but I always forgot to write down my appointments and due dates. And even when I remembered to write down important events, I often forgot to check my calendar. So I just started trying to keep it all in my good old brain, which used to be so reliable.

Now I have to depend on my friends to tell me if I have game duty or special events. I commit too much of my time to various activities and end up not being able to do everything. As a result, I rush through life and never sleep. It’s self-destructive, I know, but what do I do that isn’t?

• Mr. Talks-to-Himself

I constantly talk to myself. Whether I’m watching reality TV, working on a writing project, or cooking dinner, I’m kept company by the sound of my own voice. I suppose I keep myself from being lonely. Sometimes, talking to myself helps me think through all the scattered ideas in my brain. But most of the time I suppose it’s pathetic self-stimulation, an attempt to communicate with the only person who is always able to listen and often the only one gives half a care.

• Chronic Crybaby

I cry. I cry over stupid things. Mostly I cry at the end of movies and books. It doesn’t matter if it’s a happy ending, or sad, or even corny. Something about an ending triggers a Pavlovian response in my brain, and the tear ducts just activate.

It’s not very often I cry at real life. Once in a rare while, something will catch me off guard. But most of my tears are leaked out on fantasy.

When I was at the Vertical Horizon concert, Matt played an acoustic version of The Man Who Would Be Santa and I randomly started crying. I guess I was thinking about my dad.

They say that crying is cathartic, that it purifies the soul and purges negative feelings. I wish that my crying would do that for me; usually it just leaves me feeling very tired, and mildly wet.