Encyclopedia of an Ordinary Life

L

Laps: Have you ever wondered where your lap goes when you stand up? I have not. When people ask this question, I think they are ridiculous. A lap is the area from the knee to the stomach when the thigh is perpendicular to the stomach. Asking where the lap is when you stand is like asking where the darkness goes when the light is on.


Larry: Don't call him that--he hates it. He's my best friend and my partner in crime. We're pretty much always together whenever neither of us is at work. Larry (hereafter referred to as Junior) and I have all kinds of adventures together. We go whitewater rafting, watch horror movies, and meet professional wrestlers; it's always fun with him. Even though he's my best friend, I won't let him read this. He'll be mad I told everyone his real name!

Laundry: Laundry is a chore that, in general, I don't mind doing. However, I have certain pet peeves about laundry:

1. I can't stand when people leave wet laundry in the washer.
2. I can't stand when people leave dry laundry in the dryer.
3. I really can't stand when people leave lint in the lint trap.
4. I hate when people do their laundry when I am in the shower.

Laziness: I am a somewhat lazy person. I have moments of incredible ambition and moments of total nonmotivation. I guess I'm only lazy when no one is looking.


Letters: I don't know that I can put into words the way letters make me feel. I associate them largely with my friend Adam who killed himself in 1999. Letters make me really emotional. I love seeing the words someone chooses to explain his or her life. I get the best letters from Gabrielle. She is a letter-writing-ninja. Over the years, we have competed to write the longest letters. I'm not sure who wins anymore. Gabrielle is a pretty special person, and her writing always amazes me. I definitely owe her a letter right now. I promise it's coming soon.


Libraries: My first job was at a library. I have a tremendous respect for books. I love reading and am grateful for the experiences the library provided me as a child. Unfortunately, I think libraries are slowly (or quickly) becoming obsolete. I'm sure there will always be some people who will continue to want to use them, and I'm sure students will need to use them for research; but I think the common person will stop using the library within 10 years, if he or she has not stopped already. Sad, but true.


Life: I'm a pretty big fan of life.


Lifeguard Certification: One of my proudest achievements. I wasn't sure I could do it--I was not the best swimmer, nor was I in the best shape, nor did I have the best vision. After training myself to build up my speed and endurance, I did fine in the lifeguarding class. I showed myself I could achieve any goal. I was so proud of myself. Life was awesome. Until I started guarding (see Lifeguarding).

Lifeguarding: The most boring job I've ever had. It sounds glamorous, but it's not. Scan the water at least once every ten seconds. Don't talk. Hold a big red foam thing. Scan. Shh. Hold. Scan. Shh. Hold. Scan. Shh. Hold. Scan. Shh. Hold. Scan.

Light Bulbs: It confounds me that some people have not yet installed energy efficient light bulbs.

     
Acceptable Light Bulb for 2012            Less Acceptable Light Bulb for 2012


Lingering Smells: My whole house smells like bacon. It was totally worth it.


Lions: Lions don't actually live in the jungle. This is a misconception. Also, I think lions are secretly jealous of how awesomely cool tigers are.

Locks: Ever since I was a pretty little kid, I have always locked my bedroom door at night. I was afraid of axe murderers. My mom told me it was silly; an axe murderer would just chop through the door. I didn't care. It still made me feel better to lock the door.
I think locks give us the illusion of safety. I lock pretty much everything, even if it seems unnecessary. I lock my house even when I'm home; I lock my car even when it's empty. It just makes me feel better.
No axe murderer is going to get the best of me.

Losers: Most of the people with whom I went to elementary/junior high/high school are losers. I'm sure some of them are doing great things with their lives. I don't care. Most of them were mean to me. I was labeled a loser. Now all I do is win.

Losing Weight: For some odd reason, it is much easier to gain weight than to lose it. I find this highly unfair.

Lying: I don't understand the point of prevarication. The truth is so much simpler. People try too hard to overrepresent themselves. Please don't lie to me. I'd rather know who you really are. After all, we are just human.

Lyrics: I am completely flabbergasted by the lyrics to most popular songs. They are either exceptionally simple and shallow or totally cliche. I enjoy music, but sometimes I get sick of hearing songs that are only about love/sex/cheating/money/fame. Music has become nameless faceless drivel, and it makes me kind of sad. It's our society, though. Music is in, and I'm out.

Photos courtesy of Kevin Rector at http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:CompactFluorescentLightBulb.jpg, Jeff Kubina at http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Light_Bulb.jpg, 

Tiny Masters: Personal Essay

Being the front man of a canoe is all about power. When you're in front, you're the engine. You make the boat go. You have to have the strength and endurance to paddle for extended periods. You also have to be good at dipping your paddle straight into the water. Unlike the person in the back, who is responsible for steering and thus must master a variety of strokes, the front man only needs one, simple stroke. The front man sets the pace and must be a leader, a visionary. I like canoeing because it gives me a sense of accomplishment. The ache in my muscles makes me feel alive, and a boat can lead to new and interesting places. I love seeing the sights on the river--turtles, dragonflies, osprey. I love the calm of being on the water and the feeling of being in tandem with my partner. It may seem paradoxical, but the strain that paddling places on the muscles in my arms, back, and abdomen begins feeling wonderful as time progresses. It's very Zen.

I first picked up a paddle and sat in a canoe at Catholic Youth Camp (CYC). I was not a very outdoorsy person at that point in my life; in fact, my mom was shocked when I applied there and even more so when I was hired. Although I wasn't very nature-oriented, I was definitely kid-friendly and was very active in my church. CYC seemed like the perfect way to spend a summer--especially considering I was unable to find a job the previous summer. I had some skills that I brought to the table, particularly in the areas of music, drama, and arts and crafts; however, I had no experience in traditional outdoor activities like archery, fire building, and wilderness survival. Canoeing was one of many adventures I enjoyed that summer. I never really mastered hitting the bullseye, but I became pretty proficient at the straight stroke in a canoe.

In my second summer at CYC, I took on the role of leadership specialist. My main assignment was to work with the Counselors in Leadership Training (CILTs), but one week when there were no CILTs I got to co-lead an adventure trip for some of the older teenage campers. My co-leader was Brenda Davis. She was beautiful and I was a little bit in love with her. Brenda and I were already close friends, and I was looking forward to spending a lot of time in a boat with her. I was also nervous enough that I could have thrown up at any given moment. We were going to be on the Mississippi River for several days, canoeing to a number of pre-determined stopping points. Brenda and I spoke excitedly about our upcoming trip.

Finally, the week of the adventure trip arrived. Our campers got off the bus, and we spent some time getting to know them. We planned out menus; we practiced canoeing techniques. We taught them how to set up tents, to build fires, and to use nature in lieu of a restroom. We spoke excitedly of how beautiful the river would be, how exciting it would be to make this journey. All the while, we knew that weather conditions might inhibit our trip. The river was flooded due to earlier rains; we deluded ourselves into believing it would be traversable.

It wasn't.

The camp directors made the executive decision that we were not to actually canoe down the river, as the higher-than-usual water level made it considerably more dangerous for our teenage charges. As a result, we and our campers were packed into a van and driven to one of the campsites. We took the canoes, too, just in case the water dropped significantly. We spent three days at that first site before the water dropped. It was fun, but it definitely lacked the challenge we were seeking. The campers seemed happy enough, though. When the water leveled out, we were able to get on the river, but it was still too dangerous to travel far. We continued camping at the same site, canoeing for a few hours the next couple days. As for Brenda and me, we had fun, but I sorely missed having the opportunity to prove my virility through powering down the river from site to site. Nothing more than friendship ever developed between us, and my true feelings remained silent, drowned out by the quiet roar of rushing water.

It's not often that I have been in a canoe since then, as the opportunity does not prevent itself that frequently. Nonetheless, I still thrill in getting in a kayak and paddling upstream on the Catawba, or taking the lead in a raft at the Whitewater Center. I no longer have anything to prove when I get in a boat, but the ache in my muscles is a small reminder of that week.