This I Believe

The Norse rune Dagaz (equivalent to the English letter D) is a symbol for the new day. It looks like two triangles touching at one point, much like a butterfly or a crude version of the infinity symbol. I remember becoming enraptured by Norse runes after reading a children's book on mythology, and Dagaz enthralled me by far the most. Its design is beautiful and infinite; however, its symbolism is what really appealed to me. You see, I believe in new beginnings. As a matter of fact, I wrote a This I Believe essay, decided I hated it, and started from scratch. Thank goodness for second chances.

When I was a senior in high school, I found a necklace engraved with Dagaz at the Navy Pier in Chicago. It was mine for a mere nine dollars; it was a favorite souvenir from that choir trip. I had always wanted a fresh start; I had lived in the same small town my entire life. When you're unpopular in a small town, your reputation precedes you. I always thought moving somewhere new would give me the chance to make friends and shed my past like a snakeskin. College was fast approaching, and I knew it would offer me just that opportunity.

During the summer before I left for college, I met a new group of friends while playing the lead role in a play called Groovy. Among these new friends was my first girlfriend, Carrie. She was beautiful. She was also sort of dating Colin. Or she had been. Or she was. It was kind of sketchy. I'm not quite sure how this awkward love triangle started, but what I do know is that one night Colin got really upset--presumably because Carrie broke up with him to date me. He told Carrie he was going to kill himself. She called me, crying. I immediately got in the car and drove thirty minutes to pick up Carrie, and together we went to Colin's house.

Luckily, he hadn't done anything serious to hurt himself. But the damage was done. Carrie and I didn't last much longer. That same night, I hugged Colin and gave him my Dagaz necklace. I told him I was sorry that I had gotten involved with the girl he liked, and that I hoped it wouldn't ruin our friendship. I also told him I wanted us to have a new beginning to our friendship.

Colin and I never really got close after that, and Carrie started dating another friend, Mike. It hurt at first, and suddenly I understood Colin's reaction. But I just told myself that it's time for a new beginning. Being away at college, I got to meet a lot of new people and make some true friendships. Years later, I would get to reinvent myself once again when I started working at summer camp in Massachusetts, and yet again when I moved to North Carolina to teach. I value new beginnings; I believe everyone deserves freedom from the pitfalls of the past.

Each of my tattoos has a significant meaning to me, and the one on my left leg is no different. It is the Norse rune Dagaz, and it reminds me that no matter how bad life may seem, it will get better. I just need to go to sleep, wake up, and appreciate the beauty of the new day.

In Transit

I recently watched Lost for the first time. As I buckle my seatbelt, I have to breathe deeply--my mind has leapt to the illogical conclusion that my plane, too, will crash. Of course it won't, I reassure myself. Just because Jack Shepard didn't make it to his dad's funeral.... Tears replace the end of the thought, an ellipsis dotting my cheek.

The flight attendant comes to the front with her painted face and warns us that we must turn off all electronic devices. (I always wonder why this is important. One time, I realized during a safe landing that I had inadvertently left my phone on the entire time. Oops.) "We are very glad to have you flying with us today." That word very echoes in my mind for the rest of my life, as if she had said, "We are very glad your father died."

The plane begins to shake as it taxis down the runway. Somewhere behind me, a baby is crying. I wish I could listen to my iPod. Instead, I attempt to read. I have limited success. I sleep, also with limited success.

The flight from Charlotte to Minneapolis takes 2 hours and 45 minutes. The time stretches endlessly like a blue sky. Intermittently, I gaze out the window. The clouds appear soft, the way a Minnesota snow looks before anyone has walked through it. This is how I had imagined heaven when I was younger; I imagine my dad as an angel, lackadaisically floating around up here. I almost laugh. I almost cry.

I spend the remainder of the flight in that space just between awake and asleep. The flight attendant announces that we will be landing very shortly. I turn off my Shuffle and try to read. The plane begins to dive, and I find myself a bit disappointed. A crash would have meant that I would never have to work at unraveling the complex knot of emotions that I am feeling.

We land safely. Soon I will be with my sister, then my mom, and then everyone. I will go to the funeral and feign sadness--I'm sure that I am sad somewhere inside. I will act like everything is fine. And it is, mostly. But there is a part of me that is lost.

My Alter Ego

He who has Many Gifts yet Desires More.

He with Gifts is kind and patient. He understands that in time, Ice must melt, Rock must crumble to sand (that doesn't mean he accepts this truth--idealism is one of his gifts, too). He can sing, or could, before he let the dust accumulate in his throat. He has a sense of humor and a gift for being serious, but sometimes he wishes for more. He was gifted with a clever mind, but longs for a finer form. He was gifted with the ability to fly, but longs to touch the sun. He is a hazard to himself, seeking perfection in all realms where it can't be found.

He with Gifts secretly desires to be known, loved, remembered. He thinks this will happen if he becomes the best--unforgettable. He fears being alone, forgotten, insignificant. And so He with Gifts is never satisfied. To him, good is mediocre, and excellent is good. He knows that perfect is unattainable. Yet it drives him, that overwhelming desire to control the winds, to escape gravity, to invent dandelions; to be first, best, loudest, longest; to be champion, king, god.

He with Gifts is defined by his desire, his quest to break free of the restrictions imposed on him by his frail human form. Someday, he will be something to someone. Someday, he will find his personal grail that gives his life meaning. Someday, he will realize why he has received an abundance of gifts. And in that realization, perhaps he will find peace.

But I doubt it. He will probably still want more.