In Transit

I recently watched Lost for the first time. As I buckle my seatbelt, I have to breathe deeply--my mind has leapt to the illogical conclusion that my plane, too, will crash. Of course it won't, I reassure myself. Just because Jack Shepard didn't make it to his dad's funeral.... Tears replace the end of the thought, an ellipsis dotting my cheek.

The flight attendant comes to the front with her painted face and warns us that we must turn off all electronic devices. (I always wonder why this is important. One time, I realized during a safe landing that I had inadvertently left my phone on the entire time. Oops.) "We are very glad to have you flying with us today." That word very echoes in my mind for the rest of my life, as if she had said, "We are very glad your father died."

The plane begins to shake as it taxis down the runway. Somewhere behind me, a baby is crying. I wish I could listen to my iPod. Instead, I attempt to read. I have limited success. I sleep, also with limited success.

The flight from Charlotte to Minneapolis takes 2 hours and 45 minutes. The time stretches endlessly like a blue sky. Intermittently, I gaze out the window. The clouds appear soft, the way a Minnesota snow looks before anyone has walked through it. This is how I had imagined heaven when I was younger; I imagine my dad as an angel, lackadaisically floating around up here. I almost laugh. I almost cry.

I spend the remainder of the flight in that space just between awake and asleep. The flight attendant announces that we will be landing very shortly. I turn off my Shuffle and try to read. The plane begins to dive, and I find myself a bit disappointed. A crash would have meant that I would never have to work at unraveling the complex knot of emotions that I am feeling.

We land safely. Soon I will be with my sister, then my mom, and then everyone. I will go to the funeral and feign sadness--I'm sure that I am sad somewhere inside. I will act like everything is fine. And it is, mostly. But there is a part of me that is lost.